My Thoughts....

2012-01-05T19:14:00.000-08:00

Speaking of what I'm doing with my life, it brings me to my INSTEP exchange. Afterall for those who know me, I'm doing it more so to boost my resume than to travel. This exchange however has put me on a constant roller coaster ride. One moment I'll be feeling so excited and in a split second I will be super depressed and emo about it.I still wake up feeling happy only to suddenly (yes I do mean all of a sudden) remember that in a few weeks time I WILL BE FLYING TO AMSTERDAM. Then I will emo again. Endless cycle. I think I need to actually really be in Amsterdam and take a few weeks to adjust before really accepting my fate. The only thing that can keep me going is the potential that Adele and my cousin will come find me in Europe. Also, there's plans underway of meeting my family in Taiwan in July before flying home together. But the plan seems bleak lol! Besides, I need to take THREE flights to get to taiwan from Amsterdam! One of the flight is 10hrs++!!!

Have more to talk about this but feeling tired, so I shall come back another day.

2012-01-05T18:07:00.000-08:00

Been thinking a lot since I don't know when. One thing's for sure, my mind seem to be constantly filled with pessimism so much so that I feel like I'm going crazy, my friends seem to feel that way too. Hmm... what's wrong with me? I need to be more positive! Even as I'm writing this point on being positive, my heart seem to rise in anticipation of positivity only to sink a mere few seconds later. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? In an attempt to gain some sanity back to my life, I decided to come and blog after such a long time.

Been reading my friends' and cousins' blogs and it really hit me that I have absolutely NO direction. I began wondering over the new year holiday, as everyone was thinking about resolutions and reflections - what am I doing with my life? What am I gonna do with my life? A discussion with Adele has brought to light the fact that most of us now are wondering about our future. True, I'm not the only one feeling insecure and anxiety over the future. However, people around me are starting to plan their goals, or like Adele actually signing up for multiple programmes and all, I ask myself, what am I doing? Why is it that I come up blank why asking myself of a plan?

What's worse than not being able to come up with a plan, is not even having a contingency plan or "fall-back". Adele was telling me how Bin Bin's future is secured regardless as she has thought of working for her father's company if there's no other way out. I only have myself to fall back on. Besides, I always felt that work should be separated from family.

A few months back, was discussing with my brother on our future. Given his circumstances - he's 30 this year, will only be graduating in May and is going to start a family soon. How does he feel about his future? He has a degree in Project Facilities Management. However, with 100% certainty, he states that he doesn't intend to enter his field, since his main aim after graduation is to earn as much money as possible. His fiancé works in a bank too, how sweet is that. Also, although she's from SIM, I think its the type of degree that matters afterall, since she had a degree in finance and accounting, she STARTED out as a MANAGER in her bank. Which brought us to the next topic, what makes him think that he can compete with these finance/banking/accounting degree-holders?

Well, we know that the bank accepts all degree-holders, but seriously, are we so sure that these particular degree-holders wont get an edge? Anyway, back to the conversation, my brother recognizes that but wasn't really affected by that since its not 100% certain that they have an edge over us. Furthermore, his degree consists of management. Before we knew it, we starting rehearsing interview answers, as I was saying ultimately it boils down to the interview and how you sell yourself. In summary, after the brainstorming session, we came up with some pretty good stuff, my brother too already had a set of arguments beforehand which just needed some minor fine-tuning and "razzle-dazzling". What improved his chances made me internally lower mine. Even during the internship fair a few months back Barclays told us that Sociology majors have a very slim chance. With economics though, our chances increase slightly - now you know why I'm so persistent in completing my econs second major. Due to influence at home and I guess in school as well (it seems like many people want to enter the banking sector)I thought that if I'm getting a job for the sake of paying debts and bills, I'll just work in the bank too.

Back to my brother, he didnt stop at working in the bank. In fact, we moved on to the topic of his part-time job at the race-track. It is VERY lucrative by the way working there. He actually decided that even if he entered the banking sector, he will not stop working part-time at the race track. That would mean he has set his mind on working SEVEN days a week! He even calculated the whole sum of income he would get every month if he does the two jobs. All I can say is WOW. I DO NOT have that kind of motivation. Then I ask myself, why not? That's when I enter my spiral of pessimism. I'm so tired of working and studying given that I've been doing so since I'm 14. However, I've never had it as bad as my siblings. My brother too has been working and studying since his teenage years and has been doing it till he was 30 (although he saved all the money just to spend it all on expensive stuff, lol). My sister stopped school at 16, refusing to enter ITE, and slogged every day selling shoes and other products so that she can enter a private school at 21 and get a diploma in business, not that her work circumstance is really good now, but she's having the time of her life buying what she wants and travelling when she wants.

For me, I believe I started working even younger than them, however, the difference is I always know when I would give up work for study. And my actions are justified at home since I was the "brainy" one. However, if we were to compare the amount of work, mine is definitely lower than theirs. That's also because I am more egoistic and given my level of education as I reach 16, I only believe in tutoring as my income as working long hours for 5-6 dollars while studying seem to be rather....hmmm put it crudely, dumb. Of course during our long 3 month holidays I've taken on low-end jobs as waitress or salesgirl. But even so, I never worked long in those positions, usually on a short contract. So what's wrong with me?!?! I work lesser than them, my brother especially has worked and study longer hours than me but he is still determined to work 7 days a week after graduation!

A small nagging little voice then spoke up - because you only have yourself to work hard for while your brother has to think of a family. But unlike my sister, I cannot forgive myself for spending most of my income on myself, hence i feel the burden as well of providing for my parents and of course my nieces/nephews. As a result, I'm caught between feeling less responsible as ultimately in the end, it is only me, and on the other, I feel responsible for my parents. This in turn result in me being caught between not wanting to work so hard and yet needing to work hard. Hmm just realised one I typed "want", and the other I typed "need". What does this mean?

What am I doing with my life? So conflicted

2011-09-27T07:48:00.000-07:00

Time flies, it has come to the period of a semester where work is sky high but you just dont want to face it. TOTALLY SUCKS

But somehow, we always pull through..amazing eh? right now it seems much much worse than usual....practically repulsed by the texts and work...urgh..back to work

2011-08-22T05:52:00.001-07:00

Hello you sorry excuse of a blog....if I'm taking CS8206, i think i'll fail...hahahas blogs....hmmm sometimes i have lots of things to say only to realise it's best to keep it in my mind...afterall a diary should be private isn't it? Yea...this is just me...even consistently using a scheduler is considered a feat for me...hahas i guess im just not one to write/type stuff down unless its notes...hahas

This sem has officially started, by which I mean not that "its alr 3 weeks leh, still havent start meh" but that everything is finalised and it is do or die time.... which reminds me I'm left with one more official task to do, which is hand in my OSP loan documents hahahas....i think i'll hand it in by wednesday...

On a brighter note, I"VE BEEN GRANTED BURSARY!!!! WOOOO but....MOE one is 2150 and the financial office told me I'm actually eligible for the CSC/CCC one which would be 2900!!!! Wheee....but that means I must wait till the CDC/CCC application is open then wait for all the processing (estimated result to be release in december)hmmm wellsss who wouldnt want more right? Furthermore, I find that it is very nice of them to provide a fall back plan, in the sense whereby should I not be granted the CDC/CCC one, they will STILL give me the MOE bursary! WOOHOO! I love free money... who wouldn't? Besides, it would really really help me with my exchange funds...

Anyways.....was thinking of stuff I wanna get...

TOP OF THE LIST: A STARBUCKS TUMBLER!!!! I want the eco friendly themed one...cos its GREEN hehehes... for one moment you thought i will say cos it's eco friendly rite??? hahahas well, whether or not it is is questionable hahahas

Next: A decent pair of sport shoes like seriously something i choose myself and is of the right size hahas

hmmmmm actually like have more....oh ya! SECRET FANTASY: getting an ipad....heehees...maybe my sis will wanna share with me...lol!

Anyway that's all I guess...toodles!!

2011-08-02T09:33:00.000-07:00

Hurting inside....but it shall be buried and forgotten.... Taking the keys and throwing them away.... Forget it forget it... It shall be a dream... Forgotten forever and never be broached again...

2011-04-15T09:35:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to lose my sense of direction for my essay... And this makes me want to avoid doing it altogether... Been slacking the whole day :S and so far still experiencing mindblock... Recent issues of finance and a spoilt charger has also left me in a situation... My ideas aren't flowing so if I continue doing my essay I will be keeping the computer on and thus use more electricity and yet I can't go out as I do not have a charger for my laptop and my sis took hers today... Worst still my brother needs the com as well to research for his exams and switching on two computers is jus worsening the situation... Oh man...besides I work better at home when trying to do my essays as I can search for music to listen to and jus be comfortable and all which means lots of electricity usage but slow speed of accomplishing essay!!! Bur still when it flows it flows.... But it is NOT FLOWING!!! urghhh have to discipline myself!!!

2011-04-11T07:05:00.000-07:00

Another day has gone by...since school ended today, I've been feeling spasms of nervousness....mainly not sure whether I should do what i want to do tomorrow...what if it became really awkward and she targets me? What if she shoots me down? Or worse...what if she dont even want to listen to me and CUT ME OFF??? urghh shall see my mood. On another issue, why isnt there a recorded lecture for last week's bio??? like what the??? scarly they have test how? I dunno if have sia since there is NO COURSE OUTLINE -_- oh well filled with uncertainty..i dun like it

2011-04-10T09:39:00.000-07:00

Settling in for the night... Today had been really eventful... I'm glad that things are worked out but relationship not tarnished I guess this is what I've always been looking for? A friendship where we can be honest and trash it out with each other but never leading to seperation on a sour note...

Oh btw... I'm really pissed at the idiot that went around and put words in my mouth to others... Especially when this someone shouldn't even be behaving like this... I am gonna show it to you on Tuesday....mark my words... No one goes around tarnishing my reputation regardless if you mentioned my name or not which even if not mentioned it's quite obvious for those who know me and those who know ppl in my class... -_- thank goodness I gave you a super bad review... Grrrr.....

2011-04-09T06:53:00.000-07:00

This blog was really dead....So I took off the life support and start a new one!! Shall renew my attempt at blogging and find an outlet to pen, well actually type my thoughts down...... There's been alot of work recently...and it's just reaching boiling point....anxiety and stress seem to be my daily partners...I dont like this feeling and hope to just get everything over and done with....Seriously man....when will it end????